Imperfectly Perfect

My beautiful grandma went to be with Jesus last week Thursday.  She was an amazing 91 (and a half) years old.  (I added that half because as a perfectionist, she would think it was important for you to know that very detail;). The whole experience was a rollercoaster of emotions. It was confusing for me at first because I knew she was old, but she had always been healthy, so this sickness thing was very new for me to grasp. I had to really dig deep to understand why her death was so upsetting to me.  And I think it comes down to the fact that it was extremely painful to watch the whole process. And it was a very lengthy, painful process at that. We found out the end of February that she had a very aggressive form of cancer and that she would have about two months to live. Ugh. Bam. Two months? I know some people have gone through losing parents or siblings or even kids–I just can’t even imagine that.  This news was devastating, even in her old age. With the exception of the past few years, Grandma was always “with it,” she still golfed (in fact she taught ME how to golf), she had extremely beautiful skin (almost no wrinkles!), she could drive herself places, heck–she even walked all around New York City when she visited without a single complaint! She was around for my wedding and the birth of my three babies (in which I feel SO blessed). I just kinda figured she would be around for awhile longer.

Over the past two months, I visited the hospital and her hospice care facilities and brought her favorites–ice cream and Swedish fish–until she was no longer eating food. We had very meaningful conversations, some of which I captured through video on my phone. I took photos of her and other loved ones. I sang to her the hymns I knew she loved because I remembered how loud she would sing them at church.  It’s such a blessing and a curse knowing your time with someone is about to expire. There’s an anxiety that comes with the “knowing.” I would wake up in the middle of night wondering if she had taken a turn for the worst or wondering if I would get “the news” the next day.  I watched my mom go through the heartache and stress of caring for a sick parent. I was anxious for her as well. But with all that, there’s also a peace knowing you can spend time with that loved one and savor those moments.

A Slogan Worth Cherishing

My last meaningful conversation I had with her was about two weeks before her death.  That conversation will be held on a pedestal for the rest of my life. My three kids–4 and under– were running around her room causing a ruckus.  One was pulling at my sweater begging for a snack, the other was pulling the phone off the hook, the third one was trying to climb into bed with Grannie Annie. Screaming. Whining. Begging. Ugh! So. Much. CRAZINESS! “I’m so sorry for all the chaos, Grandma!” I said through gritted teeth, basically trying to maintain my littles while trying to visit with my grandma.

“Katie!” She said very firmly with a strength I had not seen from her for quite some time, “Chaos. IS. Living.” Each word was strongly emphasized with emotion and feeling. I lost it. That was the last time I had a real conversation with her. She bestowed that wisdom with every last oomph of her being and two weeks later she was gone.

I say all this because ever since she said those words, I have tried to repeat them to myself every single day. I remember seeing her look a little forlorn when she would come over to visit.  She would sit and watch as I chased all my kids around trying to look like I had it all together (because Grandma always had it all together).  She would always tell me I would miss “this,” and that “these were the best years of my life.” I know it’s difficult sometimes to get caught up in the craziness of life and feel overwhelmed. I know the days are hard and long. I know sometimes we yearn for early bedtime. Or even just a break from the stress. But I will always try to look at the picture of this crazy life through the eyes of my grandma insisting that this. is. living. After all, this is what makes up the story of our lives. This is what we will yearn for when we are older. This chaos is life.

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